Power rankings are stupid.  That goes for college football polls, too.  If you get worked up about power rankings, stick your head in an oven.

1. Scarlett.  She's kinda persona non grata around here now, but she dressed up this week, so here ya go.  Thanks to the many readers who offered their condolences to me about her engagement. 

2. Eight Belles.  We shall miss the noble filly lost forever at the Kentu-- HEY EVERYBODY, OVER HERE!  I found some old Barbaro poetry! 

3. Alicia Sacramone.  So let me get this straight: she's a college student, an Olympic gymnast with boobs, and she's got a nasty left hook?  I ache for her foxy boxing career to begin.

4. Sox-Yanks rivalry.  Rejoice!  They've finally started killing each other.  It's a brave new world, friends.

5. Simulated rape.  It's not even real rape, and you can still lose your job.  Who knew?

6. Inflation.  Zimbabwe's soccer team, I suspect, does not have $10 trillion set aside.

7. Tom & Gisele.  Partied at the Met's black-tie event and pondered Wonder Woman costumes for Gisele.  Their watching TV together is better than my sex.

8. Cleveland Cavaliers.  Papa John's apologized to Ohio with 23-cent pizzas.  Ohio responded with a measured with typically subdued enthusiasm.  In that no one was killed.

Last August, some enterprising young baseball fan created a map of the United Countries of Baseball (WL post on it w/ missing image here), and now, just a mere nine months later, One Droo Hill finally provides us with an updated map.  Some of the changes:

-The original map had a San Francisco Giants following all the way up to the state of Washington. I know that's not correct. Those in Oregon that care about Major League Baseball don't root for the Giants. They're more likely to be Mariners fans. But, Giants fans are much more prevelant [sic] in the state of California and parts of Western Nevada than was shown on the original...
-The original map also underestimated the Los Angeles Dodgers fan base. About the size of Tennessee? I think not. I realize that's a highly populated region, but the Dodgers have been a staple on the West Coast for about 60 years now...
-I would have liked to shrink the size of that Diamondbacks region. But, I'd be making it unincorporated territory, so I decided against it. I'll let them pretend to have that large of a following. About two thirds of that is desert anyway. The same goes for the Rockies. They're not that popular...
-The original map didn't take into account the Cardinals' following in Oklahoma. It's for real, so I added it. A lot of those Oklahomans grew up on KMOX, a station that once carried Cardinals games to much of the midwest...
-The Braves have a gigantic following in the southeast United States. The original did a fine job of showing that, but I expanded it even more. The original didn't account for Braves fans in the Florida panhandle, North Carolina, or western Virginia.

The author then goes on to add that "when a murderous Yankee fan plays a dead Red Sox fan's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a, a magic xylophone or something?"

We linked to this video from B&C in this morning's Saint Andrew's Net, but -- like the tape in The Ring or the horse humpers video -- it's far too troubling not to share on the largest scale possible.

This is Myron Cope, inventor of the Terrible Towel and the famed voice of the Steelers who died this year, doing a "U Can't Touch This" spin-off to honor the Pirates.  If you for some reason can't watch YouTube videos on your computer, just imagine that the dwarf from "Twin Peaks" had died, then came back from the grave wearing parachute pants and rapping about a good baseball team from Pittsburgh spliced with footage of a wiry Barry Bonds.  It's like that, except more likely to haunt your dreams.  Or in my case, wet dreams.  Oh, c'mon, I can't be the only one who's into dead dwarves.

Florida safety Jamar Hornsby turned himself in for credit card theft and credit card fraud after police learned he was using the credit card of a deceased Florida student for the last six months.  Hey, how is it theft is she was already dead? 

Hornsby, 21, was allegedly using a credit card issued to Ashley Slonina, a University of Florida student who died in an October 2007 motorcycle accident in which walk-on UF football player, Michael Guilford, also died. The card abuse started Oct. 13, 2007, the day after the girl's death, according to court records and involved a BP gas card...

Addressing the judge, Detective Sandra Myers said this was a very emotional situation for the Slonina family because it was not a couple of incidences of charges to their daughter's credit card, but an ongoing occurrence. Myers said the bills had been going to the deceased girl's family for six months.

So how, exactly, did Hornsby get Slonina's credit card?  According to the update at EDSBS, he assisted with cleaning out the dead girl's apartment the day after she died.  Man this is classy.  Reminds me of my college days, except I was a little better at avoiding police.  Like that one time I had to stay up all night to write a final paper, but then people were watching Dances with Wolves in the next room, so I ended up wasting three and a half hours doing that instead.  Phew!  Another night without getting arrested.

Busted Coverage returns from its latest voyage from the briny depths of the tubes with this undated photo of Kyle Orton getting blitzed in the best way he can deal with while posing with a busty young lass from a Chicago radio station.

Okay, Orton may not be any more inebriated in this photo than he is at any other time, but he's always good for looking the part. And the fact that we don't know the date of the photo won't stop us from irresponsibly positing the question of why Orton can get drunk with impunity and Cedric Benson gets popped in front of his mom.

You might say it's the white skin but in actuality authorities just plain respect a good neck beard. 

Ms. Mammaries has a few other pics with prominent Chicago sports figures, including Brian Urlacher, Michael Jordan, Lance Briggs and Alfonso Soriano, but they aren't in varying states of intoxication and she's not in varying states of undress, so it's up to you to dig through them. She may have a face for radio, but those breasts are at least good enough for a webcam feed to my computer (nudge, nudge, fap, fap).

Remember Papa John's's (so many possessives!) thing with the 23-cent pizza to apologize to LeBron and Cavalier fans?  Yeah, that went down yesterday. How'd it go?  Well, the good news is that there weren't quite reports of rioting.  The bad news is that, dude, it's just fucking 23-cent pizza.  Highlights from WKYC's day of breathless reporting:

12:15 p.m. WKYC.com's Kim Wendel reports that an estimate 1,700 people are in line at the Shaker Heights store. People are parking from as far away as 3 blocks because there is not parking at the restaurant.
1:55 p.m. Police have thrown three "line-jumpers" out from the location in Shaker Heights. People are starting to lose their patience, some walking away without pizza.
2:55 p.m. Channel 3's Eric Mansfield reports that Akron police have been called out to the East Market Street location for unruliness with people pushing and shoving each other.
3:20 p.m. The manager at the Euclid location tells Channel 3's Mike O'Mara that because of the overwhelming demand, it is likely the store will run out of pizzas by 8 p.m. Once the pizza is gone, the promotion ends at the store. There will be no rainchecks given to those remaining in line.
3:36 p.m. A caller from Cuyahoga Falls told Channel 3's Eric Mansfield that they are worried about all the traffic created by the promotion. The caller says "it's insane" out there. The traffic is backed up on State Road across the bridge.
3:45 p.m. WKYC.com's Kim Wendel on site in Shaker Heights just checked with that store's manager who says there are plenty of ingredients on hand that should get that store through to the 11 p.m. promotion deadline. However, the wait in that location is 3 hours. So you'd need to be in line by 8 p.m.
5:20 p.m. Crowds have not diminished. But the businesses in the same area of Papa John's are upset and have posted angry signs in their store windows. Their customers have been unable to get inside because of the enormous line extending from the Papa John's.
6:00 p.m. Police are putting up barricades in the parking lot in front of the Shaker Heights store
9:02 p.m. Papa Johns in Euclid will be serving until 10 p.m. Those that are left standing at 10 will not get a pizza but will receive a raincheck.

You've made our nation proud, Ohio.  May you be the deciding state in all national elections.